I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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