I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
