On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
