Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
