Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
