and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
