mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
