Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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