I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
