she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize