It's like God shit irony all over that family
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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