Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
