She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
