I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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