I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
