Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
