Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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