can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i think my cat just said my name.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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