I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
