Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
