God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
