So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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