i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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