I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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