I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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