i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize