as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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