i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
