I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
