just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
