We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
