every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
