It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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