my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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