Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize