No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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