Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
