My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
