I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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