I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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