You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize