: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
