she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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