Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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