this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
