oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
