Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
