I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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