I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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