Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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