I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
