last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
