Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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