20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
