it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
