She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
