He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
