im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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