Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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