dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
