i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
