Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
