a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
